Dad, I miss you

31 Dec , 2017  



This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever written and it’s been in my notes on my phone for a couple of months and has been added to numerous times. It’s a brain dump of my current thoughts and feelings, will most likely be unedited and probably won’t make a lot of sense but getting this stuff out is supposed to be cathartic right?

Today I woke up and as I lay in bed 45 minutes earlier then my alarm was due to go off (who am I?) I cried. I don’t talk about my feelings in regards to my personal life online AT ALL and very rarely do I open up to people around me, family or friends. But I cried, big fat tears because I miss my dad. It’s been 10 years since he passed away and whilst it gets easier to get on with life each passing day the pain does not.

I was 15 and I can remember the day I found out so vividly, I screamed, cried and wondered what the fuck the world was playing at taking away someone I barely got to know. My dad was in Pakistan visiting family when he died, he had diabetes and fell ill whilst out there, his organs started shutting down and eventually his life support was switched off. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to say I love you and this past year I’ve wondered if he ever really knew.

A lot of my younger years were filled with my parents going through a separation and subsequently I moved around a lot with my mum and one of my sisters. This also led to me not seeing my dad a lot, the nature of their separation was complicated and I honestly felt so stuck in the middle. I never really knew my dad and at that age I guess I took having parents for granted, 10 years later I find myself asking so many questions about a man I barely knew but crave for so much in my life.

I know now that I never fully dealt with the loss of my father and the latter half of this year I’ve really been battling with emotions surrounding his death. He was buried in Pakistan but his parents live in London, they had a gathering at theirs, it was awful as you’d expect and I felt numb for most of it. Maybe I haven’t found the closure I feel like I need because we never really had a proper funeral or I’ve never been to Pakistan to see his grave. I read somewhere that closure is something you find within yourself and that’s something I’m working on.

I’m feeling more pain and confusion now then I did when this all happened, I cried on the day I found out but don’t remember being so unbelievably sad like I do now. I guess I blocked it all out, supressed the emotions and now it’s all pouring out and it’s something I have to deal with.

I’m constantly wondering how our relationship would have grown now that I’m older and I really want to know more about him as an individual not just someone who was my dad. I’m sad that he never got to see my sister (the one I talk to) get married and that he will never meet the two wonderful humans she has brought into this world and that they’ll never know their granddad. I’m sad that he never got to see me graduate and if I ever do decide to settle down with a a significant other (not counting on it) I’m sad he’ll never meet that person. Mostly I’m sad about how much I took a parent for granted. I wish I could tell him just how much I miss him.

Photography by my brother

Whilst I never spoke about my feelings when I was younger, I feel like if I did now then it’s not fresh, it’s something that happened 10 years ago, why am I bringing this all up again? Just leave it in the past. I know these are irrational thoughts yet they’re still in my head.

This probably wasn’t cohesive but definitely something that needed to come out after years of holding it all inside. Getting it out on the last day of the year is strangely satisfying, as if the universe is telling me to go into 2018 with my head and heart a little bit lighter. It’s worked and this was cathartic but I have such a long way to go in terms of finding peace with my emotions surrounding this but I know the pain of losing a loved one will never leave.

14 Responses

  1. Sheenie says:

    I’m so sorry, Mariyam. Losing a parent is indescribable (as you know I lost my father 3 months ago) but to deal with what you did at such a young age is hard to fathom. There’s no quick-fix cure it rule for this – I think you learn to deal with matters in a way you’re most comfortable with and at your own pace. I hope by writing your feelings and thoughts in this post that it’s triggered the closure you’ve been searching for. Wishing you a very happy and healthy 2018. Xx

    • Maryam Sofia says:

      Thank you so much Sheenie! Writing it down has definitely helped and I do think it’s allowed me to find some kind of peace with it. Sending you loads of love too! xo

  2. I totally understand how you feel about being confused about having strong feelings about something way after the event has happened. You should be better now? But this isn’t true. Whatever you feel you can feel it whenever it happens and I hope you feel the love and support you need to get through this x

  3. Amarpreet says:

    Maryam my darling! So proud of you for posting this. It takes courage to express your feelings on something like this. Love you xx

  4. Sorry to hear about this Maryam, and so brave if you for sharing it with the world! You are an amazing person and I’m sure you are making your dad proud. Keep being your aweosme self girl! 🙂

    Heather Xx

  5. Mark Howard says:

    Hello , Mariyam sorry for you and your family , it was 2006 when i lost my dad . September morning , walked in to his cottage , he was lying on the kitchen floor with his eyes open . The pain , the fear running through my head and my heart . I fell to the floor , lay down next to him , sobbing , drooling stroking his hair . Saying over and over – No please dont leave me . Like you i shut down from world , became cold and numb . Lost everything , how do you go on with out him . 2013 i ended up in hospital on a section 3 for 8 months , 12 ECT sessions . 2018 and we are stronger . I understand nothing is ever the same with out him . Look after your self and your family Mariyam , take care and god bless , bye .

    • Maryam Sofia says:

      Hi Mark, thank you for reading the post. And thank you for sharing your story of your loss, I can’t imagine the pain of seeing something like that. Sending you loads of positive vibes for 2018. xo

  6. Kae says:

    I feel your pain. I’m 41 and lost my father when I was 12. I’ve never grieved properly or dealt with it. I still sob like a baby talking about him x xx much love to you xxx

  7. Maryam Usman says:

    From one Maryam to another Maryam.

    I can totally relate to this. I lost my dad to whom I was the world, at a very tender age of 9. I remember seeing him all wrapped up in white, I remember the touch of his skin and ever so much his smell. He was my hero and he died at 36 years of age with a sudden heart attack.
    2018 will make 24 years since I’ve last hugged him and never got to say goodbye but trust me.. there is no day to-date that I haven’t remembered him and how i have longed for him to be still here.
    They say time heals every thing but in this situation even time is helpless.
    Let us promise to always cherish our parents and never ever take them for granted as they are *true blessing* by any definition.
    Papa, I miss you so much and I only hope to unite with you soon and hopefully make you proud of myself someday.
    Thanks Maryam, for voicing your feelings .. in today’s day and age it’s very hard to give and expect love.

Comments are closed.