This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever written and it’s been in my notes on my phone for a couple of months and has been added to numerous times. It’s a brain dump of my current thoughts and feelings, will most likely be unedited and probably won’t make a lot of sense but getting this stuff out is supposed to be cathartic right?
Today I woke up and as I lay in bed 45 minutes earlier then my alarm was due to go off (who am I?) I cried. I don’t talk about my feelings in regards to my personal life online AT ALL and very rarely do I open up to people around me, family or friends. But I cried, big fat tears because I miss my dad. It’s been 10 years since he passed away and whilst it gets easier to get on with life each passing day the pain does not.
I was 15 and I can remember the day I found out so vividly, I screamed, cried and wondered what the fuck the world was playing at taking away someone I barely got to know. My dad was in Pakistan visiting family when he died, he had diabetes and fell ill whilst out there, his organs started shutting down and eventually his life support was switched off. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to say I love you and this past year I’ve wondered if he ever really knew.
A lot of my younger years were filled with my parents going through a separation and subsequently I moved around a lot with my mum and one of my sisters. This also led to me not seeing my dad a lot, the nature of their separation was complicated and I honestly felt so stuck in the middle. I never really knew my dad and at that age I guess I took having parents for granted, 10 years later I find myself asking so many questions about a man I barely knew but crave for so much in my life.
I know now that I never fully dealt with the loss of my father and the latter half of this year I’ve really been battling with emotions surrounding his death. He was buried in Pakistan but his parents live in London, they had a gathering at theirs, it was awful as you’d expect and I felt numb for most of it. Maybe I haven’t found the closure I feel like I need because we never really had a proper funeral or I’ve never been to Pakistan to see his grave. I read somewhere that closure is something you find within yourself and that’s something I’m working on.
I’m feeling more pain and confusion now then I did when this all happened, I cried on the day I found out but don’t remember being so unbelievably sad like I do now. I guess I blocked it all out, supressed the emotions and now it’s all pouring out and it’s something I have to deal with.
I’m constantly wondering how our relationship would have grown now that I’m older and I really want to know more about him as an individual not just someone who was my dad. I’m sad that he never got to see my sister (the one I talk to) get married and that he will never meet the two wonderful humans she has brought into this world and that they’ll never know their granddad. I’m sad that he never got to see me graduate and if I ever do decide to settle down with a a significant other (not counting on it) I’m sad he’ll never meet that person. Mostly I’m sad about how much I took a parent for granted. I wish I could tell him just how much I miss him.
Whilst I never spoke about my feelings when I was younger, I feel like if I did now then it’s not fresh, it’s something that happened 10 years ago, why am I bringing this all up again? Just leave it in the past. I know these are irrational thoughts yet they’re still in my head.
This probably wasn’t cohesive but definitely something that needed to come out after years of holding it all inside. Getting it out on the last day of the year is strangely satisfying, as if the universe is telling me to go into 2018 with my head and heart a little bit lighter. It’s worked and this was cathartic but I have such a long way to go in terms of finding peace with my emotions surrounding this but I know the pain of losing a loved one will never leave.